Finding Gratitude and Grace During the Holidays

Thanksgiving often brings to mind images of food-filled tables, family gatherings, and if you are like me, football! I love the savory aroma of Thanksgiving dinner filling the house, sharing a wonderful meal with my family, and later that evening having turkey sandwiches and pumpkin pie! However, for many people, Thanksgiving may be a day that brings mixed emotions; joy and blessing, yes, but also loneliness, stress, anxiety, grief, and maybe mourning. As believers, how do we navigate this season with a heart anchored in faith, especially when life feels heavy?

-Gratitude is a Spiritual Practice

God’s word reminds us to practice gratitude. We read in Paul’s letter to the church in Philippi, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:4-7). I love how Paul added “with thanksgiving” in this text. Thanksgiving, or gratitude, is a key component which brings forth the peace of God. I also appreciate the inclusion of the word ‘supplication.’ The Greek word for ‘supplication’ used here is deésis and means a heartfelt petition or request made to God with a deep, earnest or desire. Supplication becomes the quiet doorway through which our innermost being leans into the Father’s embrace.

The late Dr. Hans Selye, a leader in stress research, and well-known for The Attitude of Gratitude, suggested if one was high in gratitude, one would be low in stress. Think of it like a teeter-totter or seesaw. Do you remember these from your elementary school playground days? I fondly remember playing on these during recess. I would always try to shoot myself up as fast as I could while a friend was on the other end eagerly waiting for his turn to do the same. Gratitude and stress act in the same manner as the teeter-totter; as one goes up, the other goes down. The apostle Paul writes, “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Th 5:18). This verse does not say to give thanks for all circumstances, rather, to give thanks in all circumstances.

If gratitude feels hard to find this year, open your heart before the Lord and let Him gently hold every feeling you bring. Let gentleness toward yourself lead the way. Turn your heart slowly toward gratitude. Begin with something small-just one blessing. Perhaps a fleeting moment of comfort or connection, the quiet delight of your favorite coffee, or a tender conversation with a friend. With each little seed of gratitude we plant, the mind learns to search the hidden garden of blessings and there it will see the Creator’s hand in our lives.

-Thanksgiving Can Bring Stress, but it Can Also Bring an Invitation to Grace

Speaking of stress, family gatherings… Do I even need to finish this thought?? (see my previous blog ‘Are You Spending Extra Time with Family this Year…’). It’s often said what we need most is also what can wound us most - relationships. Time with family can stir both warmth and strain. Yet, in an odd way, family gatherings tend to be a wonderful opportunity to live out Scripture, “bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” (Col. 3:13). I write this smiling to myself as I think of some family gatherings- bearing with one another ✔, complaint against another ✔✔, for you must do (forgive)…well…

We can be loving without accepting hurtful behaviors. We can be kind and still have healthy

boundaries. We can choose peace and our level of engagement. I want to invite you to bring a bounty of grace; underserved merit. View others, and yourself, the way God views you, and them. Not through the lens of our hurts and wounds or the lies we’ve picked up about ourselves. But the way our heavenly Father views us, His beloved creation (Gen. 1:31), valuable and worth pursuing (Luke 15:1-7), redeemable and worth restoring (2 Cor. 5:17), and sons and daughters of the King (Gal. 4:7). Remember, gratitude and grace begin as choices of the heart.

-For Those Who are Hurting

For some, holidays can be a time of immense pain. An empty chair at the table, a missing laughter or smile, or a tradition that now may seem like a long, lost memory. It may be terribly difficult to practice gratitude or grace during times like this. Will you allow me to encourage you? God sees you. God loves you. You are not alone in your hurt. The Psalmist writes, “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18). Grief is not a sign of weakness; on the contrary, grief is a sign of great love. When we put our hope in God, we receive a peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil.4:7). Allow yourself to grieve, offer your tears to the Savior. Allow yourself to mourn, lay your pain in God’s gentle hands. Allow yourself to heal, trust His grace to bind what is broken.

Whether this season brings with it celebration or struggle, I pray that you experience the peace, love, and grace of God that surpasses all understanding, and may gratitude and grace become the quiet, steady rhythm that settles over you like a soft, familiar warmth you’ve known forever. As for me, I’m going back for another piece of pumpkin pie!

Dr. Troy Masengale is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the

Christian Counseling Center of Battle Creek.

Are You Spending Extra Time with Family and Friends This Holiday Season? You May Want to Take a Look at This.

We all know that one person. You know, the person who tries to say something helpful in a difficult situation but ends up making things worse. The person who listens to their friend intently as the friend pours out her heart after discovering her spouse’s infidelity only to hear, “Don’t cry sweetie, everything will work out.” Or, after venting about family relationship stressors, this person responds, “Don’t let this get you down, try to focus on the positive!” Or maybe, after learning you were recently laid off from your job, this person tries to “encourage” you by saying, “Well, it could be worse, you could have been fired.” Yes, that person.

Toxic Positivity is a term used to describe the belief that no matter the situation, people should maintain a positive attitude, suppressing any negative feelings or emotions. Toxic Positivity occurs when comments that are expected to encourage and offer comfort and support, actually leaves one feeling unheard, invalidated, and alone. Generally speaking, people who practice Toxic Positivity are not trying to discourage others, on the contrary, they often want to help and feel like they have to say something. For example, when I was in seminary, one of my professors told the story of overhearing someone at a funeral telling the grieving widow, “They are in a better place now.” The grieving widow protested, “The best place for them to be is in my arms!” I’m sure this person was trying to be comforting, however, these words offered little comfort to the grieving widow. My professor told my class that sometimes the willingness to sit on someone’s mourning bench with them is the best thing we can do; simply being present, not saying anything. This is wise counsel.

When we gently allow ourselves to be present with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions

without judgment, we encompass a sense of healing and wellness that is not likely to occur when we deny our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. For some of us, there is a belief that if we are not happy, then there is something wrong with us; for example, maybe we are being self-centered or ungrateful. After all, there are starving children in Africa (how many of you heard this growing up?) This type of perspective is often associated with family of origin; the environment which we were raised in. There are countless quips or phrases that we may have heard growing up that may have communicated if we were not happy then something was wrong with us. Here is a small offering of phrases that may example this type of Toxic Positivity:

You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps = You are not doing enough.

Happiness is a choice = You are choosing to be unhappy.

Life is full of disappointments = Your feelings are not valid.

Suck it up buttercup = You are not strong enough.

Turn that frown upside down = You are making a big deal out of nothing.

You’ll understand better once you are older = You do not get to feel that way now.

“There’s no crying in baseball” (okay, I threw that one in there; pun intended).

These types of messages may convey guilt or shame to the listener. All of these communicate that one’s feelings are not valid. All of these communicate there is something wrong with us. All of these communicate it is not okay to be unhappy. In his book The Happiness Trap (2008), Dr. Russ Harris offers four myths about happiness:

Myth #1. Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings

Myth #2. If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective

Myth #3. To Create a Better Life, We Must Get Rid of Negative Feelings

Myth #4. You Should be Able to Control What You Think and Feel

Dr. Harris goes on to say these four myths set us up for a struggle we simply cannot win. So, how do we combat or avoid Toxic Positivity? There are two facets at work here. First, if you are the one experiencing the feelings or emotions (then we reject Toxic Positivity), and second, if you are the one listening to the person who is experiencing the feelings or emotions (Then we avoid using Toxic Positivity). Here are a few practical steps you can take if you are the one experiencing the feelings or emotions (reject):

1. Be open and authentic about your feelings. You are free to feel what you feel. You do not have to qualify, defend, or explain your feelings or emotions.

2. Take a moment to experience your feelings or emotions without judgment. Allow them to be present. Try to identify and name your feelings and emotions.

3. Do not be afraid to confront the person who is being toxic to you. Use ‘I feel’

statements when challenging this person. For example, ‘When you say…, I feel…’

Here are a few practical steps you can take if you are the one listening to person who is experiencing the feelings or emotions (avoid):

1. Practice active listening. Being an active, or present, listener means we are not listening to respond, rather, we are listening intently to understand and engage with the speaker. Also use reflective listening. Reflective listening is seeking to understand the speaker’s idea, and then offering the idea back to the speaker using your own words. Think ‘mirroring’ and ‘paraphrasing.’

2. Listen non-judgmentally. Refrain from making judgments of right or wrong, shoulds or musts. Rather, consider validating the feelings or emotions.

3. Be willing to sit on someone’s mourning bench (or whatever bench) with them.

Most of us want to be positive and helpful to those around us. Most of us want to be better listeners and encouragers. Most of us want to love on and support our family and friends when they are hurting. When we practice intentionally during these types of conversations, when we practice active listening, reflective listening, and validation, we will be in a better position to be that person for our family and friends. None of us want to be that other person.

References

Harris, R., & Hayes, S. (2008). The happiness trap. London: Robinson.

Dr. Troy Masengale is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Christian Counseling Center of Battle Creek.